Picture the
scene:
Shatner: Tum Te Tum, Doo Be Doo…
(Blinding flash of fire)
Oh hello boys, I wondered when you’d be getting
here.
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1: Yeah
we’re sorry, got held up at the Voyager office.
Shatner: The what office?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2: Never
mind, what did you want us for?
Shatner: Remember that TV series I was
in a few years back?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2:
Vaguely…something to do with doing stuff no other TV
series had ever done before, wasn’t it?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1:
Really? How could they possibly make any money that way?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2: I
think that in a couple of episodes they treated the
audience with respect and credited them with some
intelligence…
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1: Yeah,
like that’d ever work!
(Both minions collapse in fits of laughter)
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1:
(wiping tear from eye) Seriously though Bill, what did
you want to talk to us about?
Shatner: I’m a bit bored, so I
thought about doing a new book…something to do with
Tek War…
(Both minions collapse in coughing fits)
Shatner: What?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1: Oh
nothing, it’s just the boss has changed his plans
for the world, he no longer wants to flood the population
with such literature.
Shatner: Oh…?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2: Yeah,
we’re all very exited about this new idea. Think
about it…’Concept books’…
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1:
Instead of getting authors like yourself to write freely,
we’re going to introduce ‘themes’ that
they have to stick to. Some ideas that will span
different Trek eras…TOS, TNG, DS9…even
Voyager…
Shatner: There’s that word
again…
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1: Sorry,
got a little carried away there.
Shatner: Wait a minute…won’t
these ‘concept books’ hinder the creativity of
authors, not allow them to express themselves or think of
new ideas? Won’t this lead to a decline in the
quality of…um that word…’Trek’ books?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2:
Exactly, great huh? Plus we can churn out loads of these
on demand…Money low? We’ll just cobble some
series spanning idea about um…a plague…yeah
that’ll do, we’ll make a fortune!
(Both minions high-5)
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1:
Anyhoo, in the meantime if you’re looking for
something to do, why not do a Kirk novel.
Shatner: Isn’t he dead? I thought
that bloke killed him in that place I went to when they
gave me money.
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2:
‘Generations’?
Shatner: That’s the fella
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2:
Yes…um…quite, well you could always resurrect
him somehow…
Shatner: I don’t know, that sounds
like a lot of work…
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1: Oh
don’t worry, what if we get a couple of people to do
most of the work for you?
Shatner: Hmm…wouldn’t that
mean I wouldn’t get all the glory?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2:
Don’t be silly! We won’t put their names on the
cover, in fact the only mention of them will be inside
the book, in really-really small writing.
Shatner: Hmm, it just might work…
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1: Oh
course it will, now just sign here…
Shatner: Why?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1:
Standard contract, legal fees, promotional agendas, soul
damnation under an eternal timeframe, the usual.
Shatner: Okay Dokey (Signs paper)
Mr. Burns: Excellent…
Mum’ra: Finally Lion-o you will be
mine
Dukat: The Restoration of Bajor is at
hand.
Goldfinger: Pah!
Captain Black: Understood.
The Joker: Goody Goody.
Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man:
Aurrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh!
Shatner: What?
*******
Sorry about that hefty piece of text, but it had to be
said and as much as I love writing comedy play type
things, my job (in this case unfortunately), is to review
the damn book type-things.
As you may have guessed, I’m not a big fan, it say
it’s awful would be an underestimate, to say
it’s ill conceived would make me the biggest liar
ever.
I always thought the whole point of Generations was to
say goodbye to Kirk and the TOS era when it came to the
movies, to be honest I was glad, I wanted to see what the
TNG crew would do with it. “The Kirk is dead, long
live the Picard” kind of thing worked for me,
I’m not a huge fan of Kirk or Shatner but at least
his character bowed out with respect for ever from the
series…Or so I thought.
The book starts off on the right note, Starfleet is
taking apart the crashed saucer section of the
Enterprise-D to uphold the Prime Directive (no one else
will find it and get any smarter, basically). Which is a
good, intelligent idea that I never even considered.
Kirk’s body is to be removed and taken back to Earth
for a proper burial. Again a good point.
Note: from here (about Chapter Three) it all goes wrong.
The Romulans beam up Kirks body. Why? Oh to reanimate it
using technology they get thanks to their
alliance…with the BORG!
You: EH?
Yes it’s true the Romulans and the Borg, sitting in
a tree…where did this come from? Who knows? I’m
sure on paper it sounds cool but in reality (well Trek
reality) it’s totally unbelievable and most of
all-flat.
To cut a (too) long story short, ‘The Two
Rommies’ brainwash Kirk into hating Picard, so he
goes off to kill him. Oh I forgot to mention that the
re-animation process isn’t perfect, Kirk only has a
couple of weeks to live…
Me: Yaayyyyyyyy
On the way Kirk meets almost every character in TNG and
DS9 (“Credibility straining maximum power,
Captain”) until finally we get the Final
Showdown™ in which Picard and Kirk kiss and make up
and decide to get revenge on the Borg.
Hmm…revenge…revenge…is that like Kirk
getting a little annoyed at the Klingons after they
killed his son?….is that like Picard getting a bit
peeved at the Borg in First Contact?…I always
thought so, for some reason obliterating the ENTIRE BORG
COLLECTIVE seemed a bit excessive to me.
Come with me if you will to a world full of enchantment,
wonder, brimstone and most importantly Bill Shatner.
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1: So
how’s the work going?
Shatner: Oh fine, I’m pitching me
against an Andorian
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1: A
what?
Shatner: The blue guys…
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2: Hmm,
um y’know what, my colleague and I need to confer
for a sec.
(Furious Whispering)
Shatner: Tum Te Tum
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1: Yeah
about that…we have an idea that’s one hundred
percent the same, except could you use the Borg as the
villains instead?
Shatner: Sounds kinda Swedish…
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1:
Cute…we could use that… but in actuality
it’s these guys in rubber suits with blinky lights
where their eyes should be…
Shatner: I don’t know, I’d
rather write about something I know about…
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2:
(Mutters)
Shatner: What did you say?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2:
Nothing.
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1:
Anyhoo, what about the Borg forming an alliance
with…um…hmm..
Shatner: The Romulans?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #1: Sure,
why not?
Soul-less minion of orthodoxy #2: One
last thing, I’d like to introduce Judith and
Garfield, your helpers.
(Judith and Garfield enter wearing rubber suits and
blinky lights where their eyes should be)
Garfield: How may we serve you?
Shatner: Well I’m a bit stuck on my
opening paragraph, it needs a dose of originality…
Judith: Originality is irrelevant!
Garfield: Research is futile!
Shatner: What?
*********
Where was I? Oh yes Kirk destroying the Borg by pressing
a button, pulling a lever (I can’t
remember)…Y’see to make this all a little more
believable, Kirk and Co. have found the Borg homeworld
and try to get rid of them “once and for all.”
Imagine my surprise when in fact…they do…
Hmm now lets think about this for a sec…The Borg
possibly the most dangerous race in the quadrant being
wiped out by the one weakness every race/ship has to have
™ Right. Now lets step back a little further and
look at this. The Borg now possibly the coolest baddies
ever in Trek history being wiped out…as far as the
fans go, everyone loves them (well you know what I mean).
Is it entirely likely that a Trek series would like to
use them again? I would have thought so….
Is it not possible that Voyager firmly in the Delta
quadrant by the time this book was conceived would run
into them at one point or another? Um yeah almost
definitely…
Would the rumor-mill surrounding the then ‘latest
Trek film’ First Contact have build up a hype that
maybe, just maybe it would feature…gasp…the
Borg? If it didn’t then I think those within the
industry need to slacken secrecy…
My point is this, yes I know if Kirk had to come back
it’d have to be with a bang, but what about just
destroying a Borg cube or two, not the ENTIRE bloody
race! Yes I know the books aren’t doctrine and
totally separate from the TV/Film franchise but come on,
this stretches not just believability but my
patience…NEXT!
